Motherhood is a wild ride. It’s messy, beautiful, chaotic, hilarious, exhausting, and heart-melting all at once. Some hours feel like sunshine and snuggles, the next minute it feels like you’re just barely holding it together while someone screams at you because you sliced their sandwich the wrong way.
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As a mom, I know what it’s like to feel touched out, exhausted, and just plain overwhelmed. There have been moments where I’ve snapped, raised my voice, or locked myself in the bathroom for a few deep breaths (and maybe to eat a candy bar by myself).
Over the years, I’ve learned some powerful and practical ways to stay calm in the chaos.
This definitely DOES NOT mean I’m perfect – no parent is. What I can say though, is that I’m a lot more peaceful than I used to be. Today, I want to share what’s helped me. From one mama to another, here’s how I’ve learned to keep my cool with my kids, even when everything around me feels like a circus.
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Here’s How I Stay Calm With My Kids
1. Do Literally Anything Else
I read this in a book years ago and have seen several variations from Instagrammers, parenting experts online (what even is that?), and other moms on social media.
When you feel super stressed and are about to yell at your kids, as long as they’re safe and no one is in any danger – your job is to just walk away.
Do literally anything else.
There is a popular quote “when someone is drowning, it isn’t the time to teach them to swim,” and I feel this applies here.
When your kids are acting out of control and you’re on the brink of losing it, the moment doesn’t require you to teach them everything they’re doing wrong.
That conversation, if it needs to happen, should take place later when you’re feeling connected to your kids – not in the heat of chaos.
Just walk away, hide in the bathroom, or put on headphones and listen to music or a podcast while everything goes crazy all around you.
Deal with the crazy when you feel less crazy.
2. Practice Box Breathing
If you’ve never heard of this, you HAVE to try it. When someone tells you to take a deep breath, you probably want to punch them. I did too.
Then I had our last baby and the anxiety was really taking over when the other kids were being out of control while the baby was crying.
I came across box breathing and gave it a try during a particularly stressful afternoon.
It worked so well that I can’t wait for you to try it and see what a difference it makes.
To practice box breathing, you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and hold for 4 more seconds.
Do this several times in a row to regulate your fight or flight response.
3. Lower Your Voice Instead of Raising It
I do this one all the time and it is going to blow you away.
When my kids are screaming (in general or at each other), I get their attention and then I whisper.
They immediately quiet down to hear what I have to say.
Normally in these situations, I’d be yelling over their yelling and the whole situation would spiral out of control.
What you whisper matters.
I remind my kids that they won’t always be forced to live together and that these are the years when they should be building their relationships, not tearing them down.
I tell them that no one wants to be around their loved ones all the time and that the best thing to do when they’re annoyed with each other is to say “I need a minute” and then walk away and take that minute to breathe.
Not only am I calming the current situation, but I’m hopefully teaching them techniques they can use one day when they’re older and stressed without me around.
4. Envision Them Older
I know your phone reminds you of old pictures of your kids as tiny babies like mine does.
For some reason, I punish myself and look at these when my kids are asleep…and almost always have a good cry.
Today, you’re living those moments you’re going to cry over in a few years.
When you’re tempted to yell at your kids or even just sit and stew over whatever annoying thing they’re doing, remind yourself that these truly are the good old days.
One day, your heart will long to go back to these moments.
Pay attention, really closely, to whatever is going on.
Let your heart warm to your babies, because they’ll never be this little again.
Go snatch them up and hug them, tell them 3 things you love about them, and change the mood of the moment.
The first time I did this, my oldest looked at me and asked me what was wrong.
I just replied, “You’re growing up, so I’m going to soak you up today while you’re still all mine.”
The fight between him and his siblings ended because I had shocked them by reacting completely differently than they expected.
5. Prioritize Your Own Needs
The saying you can’t pour from an empty cup is true, even if it’s super inconvenient for your busy life.
This can even mean getting that Starbucks drink but leaving the guilt about it at home.
Or taking a bath while your husband watches the kids.
A simple thing that sounds so silly but truly counts in my mind as self care is buying the slightly more expensive cleaner just because I love how it smells.
Wiping down the table after lunch with grapefruit-scented spray makes me about 1% happier than I would be otherwise. Some days, that 1% is all I can squeeze in, but it makes a small difference to me.
6. Have a Calm Plan
Write a simple bulleted list to keep on the fridge or on your phone of things you’re going to do when you feel overwhelmed again.
Take them right from this list or make your own.
When you are so stressed that you can’t see straight, head right to your list and work the plan.
Go wash your face with your favorite cleanser.
Drink something cold out of a fancy glass…while hiding behind a locked door.
Force your kids to sit down and watch one of your favorite movies with you.
Stop stressing about what’s for dinner and order pizza instead.
Whatever will help center and calm you, do more of that, and none of the yelling that doesn’t actually help anything anyway.
Bonus Tips to Prevent Stress from Taking Over
1. Warn Your Kids
I warn my kids before I’m about to do something that requires their cooperation.
This is almost always making a phone call, but can also apply to household chores, etc.
I’ll tell my kids, “Okay, in 15 minutes, I’m making a phone call. Let’s play Rat a Tat Cat first, and then I need you to be SUPER quiet until I’m done.”
Your kids are less likely to feel the need to interrupt you if you connect with them first, warn them you’re going to be unavailable, and reassure them you’ll only be busy for a few minutes.
2. Try to Limit the Big Things to One a Day
So in my house, this looks like this:
If we have a doctor’s appointment at 11 am, I don’t expect us to come home and complete some big task like grocery shopping or making a meal from scratch.
Instead, I’ll put a Crock Pot meal in the slow cooker in the morning. If I don’t have time for this, that night is either breakfast for dinner (think scrambled eggs and toast or even just cereal) or take out.
Taking on too many things at once that require your kids’ cooperation is a recipe for disaster.
3. Practice Forgiveness
When you inevitably lose the calm that you’ve worked so hard to cultivate, you just apologize.
Right in the thick of it when it’s weird to do so.
In the middle of yelling, stop yourself, and apologize.
Yell your apology if you have to before you walk out of the room to calm yourself.
If you’re committed to staying calm with your kids, do the awkward things now and refuse to accept less from yourself.
Admit when you’re wrong and teach your kids how healthy this is.
This will only cause your relationship to be stronger with them and will help their relationships when they’re older.
4. Keep a “Daily Reads” File on Your Phone
I have a Google Drive folder on my phone of all of the quotes and little pieces of advice I’ve loved from social media over the years.
Each morning, I click into it and scroll through them. This takes me less than 5 minutes and is the BEST thing I do for my kids each day.
Sometimes I put one of those pictures in there that my phone made me cry about.
Every morning, I start in the right mindset.
This doesn’t mean they won’t do something in the next 5 minutes that makes me want to lose my mind, but I’m not starting my day off stressed about the dishes in the sink.
Instead, I’m reminded of how fast these years go, what’s important, and I’m focused on the kind of mom I want to be.
Only I can give them the fun, happy, stress-free mom I want them to remember having.
Just a reminder, you’re doing a great job. Momming is HARD work and every family is different. Just the fact that you took the time to read this tells me that you are a good parent. You won’t always get it right, neither will I. BUT, we’re trying hard to show up as our best selves for our kids every day and that’s what matters.
Here’s to apologizing when we’re wrong, trying hard to always get it right, and starting each day with our hearts in the right place to take on the day. You’ve got this!
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